


Without Me You Know You're Lost

by Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fights, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 03:51:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11959116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle/pseuds/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle
Summary: Two days ago, Simon had been thinking about finding the perfect time to tell Bram he loved him. Now, he's not even sure he'll ever speak to Bram again.





	Without Me You Know You're Lost

**Author's Note:**

> As always, for [doodledevil](https://www.instagram.com/doodledevil/).
> 
> This fandom does not have nearly enough fanworks... I just _had_ to contribute. Enjoy!

In all honesty, their fight is really stupid.

It’s finals season, junior year, and tensions are high throughout the whole school. Everyone is tense, running on minimal sleep and coffee or Red Bull, and Simon and Bram are no different. Simon had joked to Bram numerous times that he was pretty sure he was only surviving on oreos and coffee and nothing else                        

He'd invited Bram over to study for their English final, and one thing had led to another and now they were yelling at each other with fire in their eyes and venom in their words                        

“You don't take anything seriously, Simon!” Bram spat at him. “I don't know about you, but I can't afford to fail a final!! I need a scholarship, something you don't understand,  **_white boy_ ** !” Bram clapped a hand to his mouth, horrified with himself. He hadn’t meant-                  

Silence fell around the two of them.                        

Simon looked down at his feet. “If that's really what you think, you can leave, Greenfeld.” He said softly.                        

Bram looked at him and removed the hand he'd clasped to his mouth. “Wait, Si, no, you know I didn't mean it…” 

“Please, just leave.” Simon's voice is broken when it emerges from his chest, and he briefly considers that he could be overreacting but he hasn't slept in three days and everything is toomuchtoofast.                        

“Si, please-”

“Just go.”                  

The door closes behind Bram and Simon falls to his knees, utterly broken.

* * *

Halfway across town, Bram runs into his bathroom and falls in front of the toilet, coughing up everything in his stomach. Ebony skin rests against cool porcelain, and Bram closes his eyes.                        

_ What have I done? _

* * *

Neither of them get much studying done that night, and when Simon arrives at school the next day the space next to his locker is too empty where Bram isn't leaning against it, waiting for Simon to arrive so they could have a minute or two together before the day starts. Everything feels wrong without Bram next to him, and Simon wonders how he ever made it through those months before they started dating.                       

Leah and Abby both comment on the dark circles under Simon's eyes and the lack of Bram by his side, but he doesn't tell them anything - just heads to Mr. Wise's room to take the final and trains his eyes on the desk in front of him in order to keep himself from glancing over at Bram's seat. Simon wants to wish him good luck, wants to walk over to his desk and press a good luck kiss to Bram’s palm like Simon has done for every other final they've taken, but he doesn't know where they stand right now and it  _ kills  _ Simon to be so unsure.                        

Two days ago, Simon had been thinking about finding the perfect time to tell Bram he loved him. Now, he's not even sure he'll ever speak to Bram again.                 

Somehow Simon makes it through his English final, and he's not sure how he did, but he's convinced he didn't fail. Despite everything, he's confident Bram will receive near-perfect marks. After all, his  ~~ ex? ~~ boyfriend is amazing at English.                        

He walks to his locker, intending on getting out his textbooks for tomorrow's science final and leaving as quickly as possible, when he spots Bram fidgeting from where he stands by Simon's locker.

Immediately, he wants to turn and run, but he knows he has to face the music, so he steals himself and continues walking towards his locker.                        

He's pulling his books out of his locker, pointedly not looking at Bram, when Bram speaks.                        

“Simon,” he says, and it takes everything Simon has not to turn to face his boyfriend. “Simon, listen, I understand if you never want to talk to me again, but… Can I talk to you? Privately?”                        

Simon doesn't know what to say, so he simply nods and lets Bram lead him out to the corner of the school that faces the soccer field. Simon has kissed Bram out here in this spot so many times. It hurts him to think that it may never happen again.                        

“Simon,” Bram starts, and then coughs and starts again. “Simon, I am so sorry.”                        

Simon just stares at him.               

“Simon,” Bram says again, “I am so,  _ so  _ sorry, you have to believe me. I didn't mean anything I said last night, you have to believe me - I just wasn't thinking straight. You know I would never say those things normally.”                        

Simon just stares at him impassively. “You've thought them, though.” He says slowly. “Otherwise you never would have said it, right? Am I not good enough for you because I can't understand what you go through because of your  _ skin color _ ?” He feels a tear roll down his cheek, and  suddenly he understands. This isn't only about what Bram had said the night before. This fight was about the foundation of their relationship, and whether or not it was doomed from the moment it started. 

“I don't understand everything about you,” Simon continues, and he's crying now, tears flowing freely down his cheeks as he stares at Bram. “I will never be able to understand some of the things you go through as someone who is black and growing up in Atlanta. And I get that! Just like you'll never understand what it's like to grow up as a middle child, and I know that doesn't even compare, but Bram - I don't care if I never understand everything about you. I have never thought I needed to understand everything about you!” He lifts his eyes from the broken concrete to meet Bram's chocolate ones. “But in order for us to make this work, to make us work, we need to be able to talk to each other. You need to be able to believe that even if I don't always understand, I will always be there for you, because I-” Simon chokes on the words in his throat and fell silent. Now is not the time for those particular words.                

Bram is crying now too, silent tears slipping down dark cheeks. “Simon,” he repeated. “Simon, I am so sorry.” He raised his hand as if to touch Simon, then faltered. “I have always trusted you. I never thought anything different, I promise. And I want to be able to share everything with you, and I promise that from now on I will try to tell you everything and - oh god, Simon, I'm so sorry!” Bram's tear-filled breath catches in his throat and then he is coughing, coughing and  _ coughing  _ until he’s certain he’s going to throw up-                        

And then Simon's arms are around him, Simon is hugging him to his chest and telling Bram to  _ Breathe, Bram, it's okay, you're okay _ and Bram just sags against Simon's chest.                        

He had been so certain everything was over only a second ago, but Simon's arms are holding him and Simon's eyes are locked on Bram's, and Bram is certain that they can figure this out, just like they figure everything else out:

**Together**.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on tumblr: [fandoms-are-my-lifestyle](http://fandoms-are-my-lifestyle.tumblr.com/)


End file.
